A Cupboard Full of Coats Page 13

  And what evil, what merciless cruelty existed in the world for the only man I’d ever loved to be already married to another?

  Forgotten was my earlier vow; how all would be on my terms, how I’d never let any man make a fool of me. I lay on my bed and sobbed and wept and crushed my hand against my breast in anguish. In the few hours since I’d sworn my vow of strength in love for ever, not only had I fallen head over heels, but I’d also managed to have my heart irreparably torn asunder into the bargain as well.

  8

  ‘When we growed up, back home, that was when things was all right and then things went all wrong. No matter how many times I go over it in my mind, that was where it started.

  ‘First I give him food, then he become my friend. Then we was like twins, everywhere you see one, the other had to be close by. If it hadda been anywhere else on the planet but for that little island where everybody knowed everything about everyone living there, sure people woulda think we was brothers. Or poofters.

  ‘We neither of us had brother nor sister to our name. In a way we was the only family the other one had, even thicker than blood. He scratched my back, I scratched his. The more we growed, the tighter we got, and everything was working out cool and dandy. Up to the day I meet Mavis.

  ‘Up until then, we’d had women. Wasn’t hard to have if you was a working man back home them times with little money in you pocket. I had my share. Shamed to say now was even a couple of times we had the same woman, wasn’t nothing serious, you see. Was like lending you brother a wear of you shirt, allowing you spar a quick spin in you car, nothing serious. Them times in fact it was a laugh. Can’t think of a single woman Berris really like if I’m honest, up until you mum. He was always talking ’bout how is money them looking for, man to take care of them jingbang, all of this kind of thing, on and on till it was like there wasn’t a single woman on the island who had in her body but an honest drop. Every woman for some reason was out to trick. Not sure I believed it all, but didn’t really matter anyhow because up until Mavis, I never found a woman that I felt something for above the waistband, you understand. When she come along, that was the first time I even come to consider what this word was all about that people call “love”.

  ‘Berris used to say that Mavis musta visit some obeah man; he musta give her some kinda potion that she slip ina my drink when me back turn, because he never see a man turn fool-fool so bad over one woman in him life. And I have to say it was true. Was the first time I ever wanted to spend time with anyone more than I wanted to spend time with him. Before that, even when we had women, they was with us, me and him. When Mavis come along, I suddenly find myself annoyed with Berris. It’s like I only then realize how demanding he was. And he wasn’t no more demanding of me than I was of him, but I’m just trying to tell you how it felt at that time to me.

  ‘Mavis used to try persuade me to spend more time with him. He blamed her for not seeing me, but if it was down to her, chances are, me and her woulda never have a minute on our own. And I wanted her for my own. I didn’t want to share her with Berris. Yes, it was selfish, but I was young and when you young, you know how it is; the thing you want most, be it a new pair of shoes, or to go to a particular rave, or to spend time with your new girlfriend, that thing is the most important thing in the world and nothing else even come close. So I didn’t share. End up spending so much time just we two on our own, that was probably the reason she end up pregnant so fast.

  ‘But the other thing was, I knew the man. He was already making comments, already telling me things he hear about goings-on with women who match Mavis description and the suchlike. He was jealous of her. Jealous bad. And he’s always been the same, once he’s in a temper, can’t calm him down, have to act out the whole thing and pick up the pieces the next day or the day after, salvage what he can from the little rubble left over. I know two women got involved with Berris round them times and both of them, money or not, refused to sleep with Berris a second time. Truth is, I never want him anywhere near Mavis, because if he started in on his fuckry with her, how I was feeling then, I woulda had to kill him.

  ‘Anyway, she end up pregnant, he say what him have to say ’bout the chances of the pickney being mine, etcetera, and I marry her. Think I was so vex with him I marry her to teach him a lesson; that from time to time it’s necessary for a man to keep his mouth shut. Afterwards, when she find out what he was walking and telling people, she refuse to have him around her or in our yard. And I can’t say as I blame her, because the man make up all manner of story and he tell two people: Who Ask and Who No Ask. Even so, I still kinda liked her, but because of what he said, it’s like any trust we coulda had was killed stone dead. In a way, that helped things to work out okay. Me and Berris still used to hang round together all the time, work together, rave together, pick up the odd woman here and there and in truth, it was just like old times, ’cept I had the good luck after to come home when night done to find me dinner cook. Know this don’t paint too decent a picture of me them times, but it’s a true one and that’s what I’m aiming at: the God’s honest truth.

  ‘Everything was fine and running to plan. Even after we leave Montserrat and come to England. He find a little place, then he keep an eye out for another little place for me near by. I get one foot through the door at Lesney’s and I work till I open another door for him. Fine and dandy, everything was running smooth and sweet. Then one day, Berris met you mum.

  ‘I thought I had it bad when I meet Mavis, but I tell you this: I know I said it before and I doubt you believe me, but I’ll say it again anyway – Berris was in love. In a way, I think what he done and how he acted was kinda like what I did, except with him it was more, much much more. For example, I knew he was seeing someone because he was taking days off work, the odd one here and there, no reason for it, and afterwards telling me he done some old dryness with his time that I knew for sure was an out and out lie. Never said he had a woman, kept it, kept her, all to himself, but suddenly smiling all the while, always in deep thought, miss half of what you had to say to him so you had to go over everything a second time; smartening hisself up – was always pretty smart anyhow, but went that one step further – and I knew what it was even without him telling me, but it pissed me off something that he never came outright and just said so. What was I gonna do if he told me? Sex her? The whole thing was a mockery! Didn’t do a single thing but stir up some bad blood even before I come to meet her.

  ‘Anyway, was out in a bar one Friday, on our way to some shebeens they used to hold down the top of Amhurst Road, and I speaking speaking speaking, repeating everything to him two, three, four times, and I finally lost it.

  ‘ “Me nah repeat myself again. If you can’t keep you thoughts off the woman for long enough to hear what me a say, maybe you should go home to her,” I said.

  ‘I was vex, but Berris laugh like is joke me making with him.

  ‘ “Lemon,” he said, “there is women and there is women. All these years, couldn’t tell the difference. But I got me a woman now. Got me a woman to beat all women, I’m telling you.”

  ‘ “I take it she just happen to be the one woman on the planet not after you money?” I said, and he laugh.

  ‘ “She no need my money. She own she own house, not a drop of mortgage on it, not a drop.”

  ‘ “She must be a old bird then. Never thought you woulda prefer boiler fowl over spring chicken.”

  ‘He laugh again. “She’s young enough. She married some old man died years back and leave her the house and a good pile of money.”

  ‘ “And she fit?”

  ‘ “Lem,” he said, “up until you see her, you don’t even know the meaning of the word.”

  ‘I knew I was talking crazy, childish really, trying to find some kinda imperfection in this woman out of the blue he suddenly love, but I couldn’t stop.

  ‘ “A widow, huh? So no virgin then. She have pickney?”

  ‘ “One. A girl child. Fifteen or sixteen or
some such. Ain’t met her yet.”

  ‘ “Never figured you was one to go raising other men’s kids,” I said.

  ‘ “You know what, Lem, sometimes you have to weigh these things up. At the end of the day, I know what I’m getting straight up. The girl ain’t mine and no one’s trying to convince me to give up my money and freedom swearing she is. I know where I stand and that’s all I want. I know for a fact there’s ’nough man out there who would be glad for just one tiny bit of that peace of mind.”

  ‘It was the first time I really thought hard about the business with him and Mavis. Yeah, of course it come up in my head from time to time, but I never stopped before to dwell on it. Never really thought about why Berris acted like he done, but when he first met you mother, come like all of a sudden the foot was in the other shoe and I didn’t like it one bit. In a way, how he done it all made me feel like he was cheating on me, which was rubbish of course, but that was how I felt. Then them little comments he made, always referring to Mavis and the boy, well they didn’t help nothing at all.

  ‘Truth be told, felt like I hated your mum long before I got a chance to meet her, and I know how childish that makes me sound but that was how, at the time, I did feel. Man, I dwell. Imagine all manner of corn on she foot, wig on top her dry head, hump on her back, the works.

  ‘Even after she ask him to move in with her and he did, even up till then he never introduce me to her or nothing. I think he held it like a grudge, like he was saying “I can’t visit your yard, you sure as hell ain’t gonna visit mine.” But really, it wasn’t fair. He was the one who made hisself outcast from my yard. Whereas me, I never said nothing for him to go on them ways. Anyway, I bristle up, vex-face out, let him pay for his own pint down the boozer, little things really that shoulda been below me, but I stooped to them anyway just to make the point.

  ‘And things was different. Before he moved in with her, I was round by his place most nights, even when we wasn’t going nowhere, playing music and the such. After, was like a drought, me stuck indoors bored to tears, and Mavis so excited you woulda think it’s honeymoon we on. I never willed the relationship no good, simple as that. I wanted it not to work, so things could go back to the way it was before. And above all, I knew the man, knew he could be charming, smiling all the while things was good, but that when things went wrong, he’d explode the way he always done. I knew all I had to do was be patient. My day would come. I wasn’t happy but, still, I just settle back. All I had to do was bide my time.

  ‘One day, I open up the front door and who should I see standing there, bawling, girl, bawling, but Berris?

  ‘ “Philemon! You have to help me, man!” he said.

  ‘First thing come to my mind was the police must be after him. He musta rob a bank, thief something, kill someone. I even take a quick look up the road to see if my yard was under surveillance and the like as I quick time pull him inside and shut the door.

  ‘ “What happen, man? Talk no!”

  ‘Even Mavis come a hurry out to look-see what a go on. Soon as she see is Berris, she push up she mouth and gone back upstairs.

  ‘ “Me mash everything up. Slap her down over some little stupidness. Knock her down like a man. I know she nah go want me back. Lemon, I blown it, blown things bad. I know I shoulda control myself. But I love her.”

  ‘When I realize is little domestic bring the man to pound the front door like hurricane warning, I had to laugh. And straight away him tense up, looking like he want to fight me too, only start to calm down when I explain to him me think he turn fugitive or something, though that wasn’t the whole truth of it; I was happy. Knew things would sour after enough given time. They did and I have to say I wasn’t just expecting it, I was glad.

  ‘I beg him fix up himself, give him little brandy, and he explain to me what was in truth a little stupidness that he flare up for and smack her two smacks, etcetera. I wanted so bad to say to him that he had made a point of showing me this relationship was nothing to do with me, but I never could kick a man too tough when he was already down. So I did the only thing I could, I listened. And when he finished, he begged me to talk to her, to explain to her how sorry he was, ’cos he was sure if he went back to the house she woulda probably have him arrested, which was exactly what the man deserve.

  ‘On and on, first begging then threatening, man recall every favour he ever done me in me whole life, if you listened too hard you woulda think the only thing he never done was born me. In the end couldn’t take no more, had to say, “Yes. Yes I will go round and speak to her. Leave it with me. I will do what I can.”

  ‘When I clap eyes on her I couldn’t believe it. Had to admit Berris was some kind of lucky bastard all right. Even with half her face looking like someone mash black grapes into it, she was beautiful. All that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder thing” seem like it never had the first bittta truth to it. Only person who coulda say she wasn’t beautiful had to be a man walking with his shirt button inside out and his hands them holding on tight to a white stick. I wanted her for myself. Don’t know which part of the house she woulda fit into on account of Mavis doing so good a job of using up every piece of free space I had, but I wanted her. Don’t know which country I woulda have to go hide for Berris not to find me, still I wanted her. Made no sense to me. All I could think was maybe I was suffering some kind of male menopause, or mid-life crisis or some other kind of craziness you only even know exist because you can’t sleep and end up watching foolishness on the TV in the early hours of the morning. I wanted her.

  ‘I did my bit. Cuddle her and tell her how he never mean nothing, just a little temper, needing only a little understanding to change him, straighten him out. And it worked.

  ‘After, when I speak to him, wasn’t expecting no tough thanks, maybe just a “cool, man” or something, nothing big, you know what he turn round and said?

  ‘ “Pass back later for dinner, man. Make me teach you ’bout the kind of woman man supposed to marry.”

  ‘Serving up compliment with the uppercut as usual, and as usual it never miss the mark.

  ‘ “You better ask her,” I said. “Make sure it’s okay. She might not feel for no visitors, might not want to be bussing no big cooking tonight.”

  ‘ “I make the rules where I live, and tonight I say we eat.”

  ‘I growed up with the man from youth, knew all the things he’d done in the past, and my mind shoulda know him for the type of person he was, but I never. Somehow, up till then, I think I believed what I told your mum, that he needed some love and some caring, that enough of that would bring about his change. But when he said that to me, in his situation, something in me changed for the worse.

  ‘Feel shame to say this, poor Mavis probably still warm underground, but even though I feel shame, in my life I told so many lies, to her, to others, what a liar I was, so good I even manage to lie to myself, but no more. I vowed to myself I would try my hardest to be true, so I have to say this: I was like a dog.

  ‘Man, I used to visit this house and watch Berris and you mum, mouth adrip, like watching another dog eat the wickedest, tastiest bone, watching the floor mostly, waiting for the odd scrap to drop, working out how to move on in without ending up in a serious brawl. I did some watching.

  ‘Used to wonder what you mum see in him. Sure he was good-looking, but no more so than any other five-limbed man, no more so than me. Had fine clothes and shoes to kill, but not a drop of generous blood, not a single aim to please anyone other than himself. Used to see her beat up afterwards and wonder, what is it this man have over her? Often ask her, what is it about this man you love? Only conclusion I could come to was that having never really lived – you can’t call what she did with your pops, old as he was, ‘life’ – having never had a young man naked in her bed, someone she could walk outta street with and see other women watching and wanting, downright made her lose every droppa common sense in her head.

  ‘Even started to get vex with her when I see
her all mash up. Couldn’t say wipe your face and come with me to my house, not ’cos I couldn’t get the words out. Fact is they was always so close to the tip of my mind and tongue it was more of an effort to keep them words in; that wasn’t the problem. Problem was I know she woulda never do it. Was so wrapped round him, round his boot, his fist, his little finger, I know she woulda said no.

  ‘At the time, I told myself I was frightened for her, frightened he would hurt her bad, but on its own, that wasn’t the truth at all. I was jealous. Couldn’t see why Berris, who I’m sure never even liked women, why him of all men should have a woman like that, what he’d done to deserve her.

  ‘That was the first thing that went wrong, really. My feelings for her. No healthy place to put them, yet at the same time couldn’t shake them off. That was the first thing. Second thing what went wrong was you. Don’t know when and how I noticed you. Think it was the day we was dancing, definitely not before. Up till then, think I never really saw you, ’cos was only looking at the skin colour and thinking you was dark; I never noticed before then that you had her eyes and her mouth, that mouth always put me in mind of Brazil nuts, the shape, still does, and seemed like as soon as I noticed that, I noticed you was looking at me the way she was looking at him. Talk about from the pan to the fire. But I’m getting off the point.

  ‘The thing is, bit by bit I was growing to hate Berris. Started out a little resentment, but it just kept getting bigger and bigger. Got to dwelling hard and carrying feelings. Thinking about ways to put him in his place came like my number one hobby after a while. That was bad enough, but it got to the point where that was the strongest of all the feelings I had, and I started saying things, small things at first, but things I knew would vex him. Started with the odd little comment in private: Yeah man, she look good. Look like she happy to show it off too wearing skirts like that. Soon, was doing what I told myself was only tick for tack pretty much every chance I got; slipping in a little honeyed uppercut myself, and leaving it with him to fester.